I'm alive... I think

Ups and downs, but isn't that the whole definition of Diabetes?? Not that long ago i was running higher then normal, especially after lunch. Then i went lower for a day or two and now i'm back to normal. Just in time to go on vacation and have everything be turned on its head again. Sigh...
  I never feel a a loss for words but sometimes i stop to try to convey then in the best way. Right now how im feeling is one of those things. Conventional words like mad, sad, angry, and worried don't seem to cover it. It 's much deeper and more complex then that. But maybe i've done enough with just those words. I want to cry and scream but i don't, because i know none of that will help. In fact stopping for those kinds of things would probably just make it worst. With adds the the above mentioned feeling. It almost makes me wish i was a weaker person, that i would let myself fall down and cry. But i contuine to stand on my own two feet and i refuse to regret it.
   What i really need is someone to talk to. Yes i have friends and they are amazing, but that also makes them biased. I also keep in mind all that my friends have going on themselves so sometimes (ok all the time) I'll hold back what i say. It's bad enough i have to deal with it, why should i make them go through it to. And i just noticed, for all the fact i'm a crybaby, i still refuse to cry in front of them. These are the people i trust the most and i still feel a disconnect with them. Maybe because they all have someone whom they are so close to that not any force known to man can separate them. Someone who shares their soul.
   Lately there has also been this feeling that something (someone) is missing from my life. Whoever you are... Could you please...

Not meaning to go philisophical on you

 But I've been thinking about life and living. I don't want to die. Not yet. I still have so much i want to do, whither or not i have diabetes for the rest of my life. I want to travel, and eat a lot more junk food despite how bad for me it is. I want to see things that not every one gets to see. And do things that few people have done. I want to create something with my own hands that is appreciated by many people. I want to meet people that others are afraid to know. I want to travel the path less traveled. Because even if i end up unhappy or sad, i know i wont regret what i learned and what i received. The kind thoughts and actions from people who know nothing about me, don't think they'll ever see me again, and expect nothing in return.

  I do want to be invisible. Ask some, and you find several people who have called me ninja, say i came from no where or say i scared them. All without me trying. Sometimes I wonder if I'm already invisible. Then someone who knows nothing about me and has probably never seen me before proves to me that i am seen, and heard.
 I know I'm here every time i feel the ground beneath my feet, and the wind blow across my skin, when the rain make me wet, despite by best attempts. When the sun warms me to the bone and chases away all the cold and chills. Whew. i think i'm done for now.

But i have to say... I think that's the fastest i have ever typed.




 

P.S.  A COMERICAL FOR THE JDRF CAME ON WHILE I WAS WRITING THIS!!! YAY