I'm alive... I think

Ups and downs, but isn't that the whole definition of Diabetes?? Not that long ago i was running higher then normal, especially after lunch. Then i went lower for a day or two and now i'm back to normal. Just in time to go on vacation and have everything be turned on its head again. Sigh...
  I never feel a a loss for words but sometimes i stop to try to convey then in the best way. Right now how im feeling is one of those things. Conventional words like mad, sad, angry, and worried don't seem to cover it. It 's much deeper and more complex then that. But maybe i've done enough with just those words. I want to cry and scream but i don't, because i know none of that will help. In fact stopping for those kinds of things would probably just make it worst. With adds the the above mentioned feeling. It almost makes me wish i was a weaker person, that i would let myself fall down and cry. But i contuine to stand on my own two feet and i refuse to regret it.
   What i really need is someone to talk to. Yes i have friends and they are amazing, but that also makes them biased. I also keep in mind all that my friends have going on themselves so sometimes (ok all the time) I'll hold back what i say. It's bad enough i have to deal with it, why should i make them go through it to. And i just noticed, for all the fact i'm a crybaby, i still refuse to cry in front of them. These are the people i trust the most and i still feel a disconnect with them. Maybe because they all have someone whom they are so close to that not any force known to man can separate them. Someone who shares their soul.
   Lately there has also been this feeling that something (someone) is missing from my life. Whoever you are... Could you please...

My bad day just got worse...

It's almost 3am. I am a night person so, during summer break when i went to school i had no trouble staying up late and getting up whenever. (This was also pre-diabetes) How ever, now a days i work babysitting for my moms friends. They work in the bakery section of walmart. So they will go in for work anytime between 3am and 8am usually. On mondays and tuesdays the person i babysit for is supposed to go in at 3.

  Now that you have that information i can explain. I went to bed around 11. I get to work and i usually sleep until the kids wake up. Today the kids we live with came back from their dads. 3 boys who seem to do nothing but argue. Expecually at night when others need to sleep. We found if we make them lay down they fall asleep rather quickly. Gee go figure. Tonight at midnight, they desided to start screaming at each other. And i mean scream like girls at each other. More likly i fell asleep only 30 before. My sister says when i get up you dont want to be anywhere near me. Worst then an atomic bomb. How ever these kids screamed at each other despite my "nice" intervention. Their parents would not wake up at all. One i know will take sleeping pills, so yeah... By one in the morning i was so tired and fed up i SCREAMED at them.

   I have NEVER had to scream at any kids before. EVER. And i had just burst out into tears. I hate crying in front of people. Made way to many people stare at me in elementary school. I didn't even cry when i was diagnosed with diabetes. By this time i need to be up in less then two hour so for me it's the wiser choice to just stay up. After reading blogs and other cheer me up stuff i start getting ready for work. Which is when i get a text. It's to early to be picked up. At this time it's usually is a text telling me i dont have to work. Happily i look at my phone to see. "not working till 5 see u at 4:30"

   I should also mention i hate being told things last minute. There were more tears. See now almost two hours i could have spent sleeping was spent waiting. And to get less then two hour of sleep...ew. And the tears made me not be able to sleep. So at 3am i decided i needed to blog it out. Only 3 hours into the day, things are not looking good. And i was high at my bedtime check. Life sucks.

Good Friends.. I mean GREAT Friends

 Well, i've already mentioned some of my friends. One (who i will now call c) Is my friend who lives the closet to me. This year she is taking a journalism class. She decided to write her summer assignment on Type 1 diabetes!! I think there will also be pictures taken. Not that any one will really read it but the teacher but it makes me happy that she cares enough to write about it. Tomorrow she will be interviewing me and has already asked things like "what was it that you were hospitalized for, how to spell that, and what is it."
  Not much going on. Waters are still high. Had a few unexplained highs and lows. Like one i was at 180 something and i ate 15 carb. Before dinner just 3 short lazy hours later, which i think was spent on my laptop, i was in the 80's... Really dropping about a 100 points with food!! When i was just being lazy! Other times i was high when i thought i had taken extra insulin. The highs are a bit easier to figure out though. As i may have mentioned before i have been playing a lot of Zelda games, and i dont have to work right now. Plus crocheting involves a lot of sitting to. Plus my daily book or two depending on the book i read. I like manga which is a Japanese comic book. they always have such cute or interesting story lines even if the plot can be a little predictable.

To end a poem by me,

This is my story.
 I chose how it goes.
It ends the way i want it to.
I chose the words,
And decide how they flow.
I forge the path the characters take,
Where they end up
is in my hands.
All i have to do,
is tell the story.